Larry, there are stores in this town that sell brand-new shoes.
I'm already the gay guy who runs housekeeping.
I can't also be the gay guy who's all,
"Ooh, look at my new shoes."
Baby, you can't live your life afraid to look like no stereotype.
Like my girlfriend, Keisha, one of my girls I'm going out with tonight,
she's a smoker.
She was going to switch from menthols to regulars
'cause she didn't want to look like a stereotype.
I told her no.
"If you want to smell like a dirty cough drop "while you're killing yourself,
baby, don't let nobody stop you."
That's it! I have had enough of this place!
Rhonda, I quit!
What? Wait a minute, Samantha. What happened?
I have put up with a lot working at the front desk:
rude guests, tight uniforms,
but this is the last straw.
Neal can find another girl to fulfill his stupid fantasies.
Wait a minute. What did Neal do?
And by the way,
don't think I don't know about the nicknames you all gave me.
Just because I missed my moustache waxing once or twice.
Not cool!
Why? Why does it always have to be some mess on my short day?
What was that all about?
Yosemite Sam just quit.
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Careful... careful.
All right.
It looks good, guys.
What the hell?
Isn't it beautiful?
What is that thing? I went to this art opening in Chelsea,
where this feminist performance artist was in a giant birdcage
making a point about the objectification of women.
And I thought, "If that thing "were hanging in my bar,
"and that chick were twice as hot,
it'd be pretty sweet."
Oh, and just who did you imagine would be sitting in this cage?
I'm making some of the front desk girls do it.
"Making" them?
Do you know that Samantha ust quit because she doesn't want to do it?
Samantha? Who is Samantha?
Oh! You mean Tom Selleck.
Eh, that's her problem.
It is a pretty cage.
Don't think I don't appreciate hot bodies behind bars,
but when I danced in a cage I would choose
where, when and for how long.
When you danced in a cage?
I said "if." You said "when."
You just want to argue.
Listen,the point is you can't make a girl
be in a cage if she doesn't want to.
Kylie, Jenna, hi.
As you know, we're putting a giant, sexy birdcage
in the bar and we're looking for two girls
who are beautiful enough to sit half-naked inside.
I want to go first. No fair. I want to go first.
I'm really good at swinging.
I can learn.
Hey, what happened this morning?
I sawSuper Mario cleaning out her locker.
Is it because of that stupid birdcage?
That's right. Well, I don't blame her.
I don't want to be in a cage while a bunch
of drunk guys whistle and stare at me.
I got enough of that when I lived in Thailand.
Don't worry. I wasn't gonna ask you to do it.
Good.
Wait, what?
Saw the birdcage. Love it.
It's bold. It's sexy... Thank you, Gus.
Hey, you know, I haven't been doing great in the tips department, so...
No dudes in the cage, Gus.
I wasn't going to ask to be in the cage.
I was going to ask you for money.
I'm not giving you any money, Gus.
Then can I be in the cage?
There are rules about what you can have in a bar.
Okay, so just promise me
you won't put anybody in there until I make sure it's okay.
I promise.
All right, I can't guarantee you it's going to get done till tomorrow
because I'm leaving at 6:00 to go out with my girls.
Now, I don't know where we going,
but I guarantee you they're going to ask us to keep it down.
I hear you.
You're gone at 6:00.
So 6:15, first shift in the birdcage.
Tonight, we make history.
All right, you're just gonna be swinging in a big cage,
but still, I'm pretty psyched.
Okay...
Hey... I know you.
You're that hot chick from The Hills.
Audrina, hi.
They said you guys are full,
but do you think you could find a room for me?
Are you here with your camera crew?
No.
Then, no.
Kylie, Kylie.
You are in the cage until 9:00.
Jenna's going to go from 9:00 till midnight, and Nicole,
excuse us, is going to stay late.
So she can cover the desk on her own.
Excuse me, could I put you on hold for just one second?
Well, I'm doing it, so deal with it!
Listen, about the birdcage, maybe I was too harsh.
I don't want you to think I'm not a team player.
Don't worry about it. Well, I'm just saying,
I wouldn't totally hate taking a turn in there.
It's fine. I don't want you to do it.
Neal, I tried on the outfit.
It's kind of itchy.
Ugh, you've been whining ever since you came out here.
Fine, I'll do it.
Or we can go downstairs and get Joanne to take off some of these itchy feathers.
You know what, Nicole?
I don't have enough girls to cover all the shifts
in the birdcage tomorrow, so I'm going to ask you to pick up the phone,
call up Amy and see if she can come in
for a shift in the birdcage tomorrow night. Thank you.
Hey, you going to finish those?
I haven't started them.
Yeah, but do you foresee yourself finishing them?
Feeling strong today, so yes.
Yes, I think I will finish this tiny bag of chips.
You don't have to be a douche.
I'm just a little on the broke side.
But hey, let me ask you a question.
You've worked in hotels, like,a ridiculously long time, right?
Yeah, yeah, thanks for putting it that way.
Okay, why do I get worse tips than the other bellmen?
Maybe it's because you're mean and small and surly.
Look, this is a service industry.
You've got to do more than just carry bags.
You've got to turn on the charm.
Make the guests feel special. Get it?
Yeah, I got it. Thanks.
So what did we decide about those chips?
Ooh, it is almost time for my ladies' night.
You all would be amazed at how much paperwork you have to fill out
just to have half-naked girls in a bar.
I got forms for side boobs,
front boobs, bottom cleavage...
Oh, let me see those.
Oh, it's just words.
When you see Neal, have him sign those papers
and tell him it's going to be a couple of days
before he can have some girls in that cage.
Uh... okay.
What was that?
Why'd you pause?
What'd you mean, "Uh... okay"?
I didn't pause. Something on your mind?
Nothing's on my mind.
Holy crap!
Oh, and we thought Neal would make them look trashy.
This is what Neal wanted.
Neal also wants every woman in the world naked and covered in chocolate sauce.
I'll do it. Me, too.
Uh-uh, uh-uh-- Mother is not letting you girls go upstairs looking like this.
Joanne, I want every feather in that bag on their bodies.
But we want to look sexy.
You girls wouldn't know sexy if sexy walked up to you
and said, "Hey, what's up? I'm sexy."
All right, now let me tell you how I do it.
I think of my body as a highly-addictive drug.
I dole it out a little bit at a time.
If I gave too much of this away at once,
people would be overdosing all over the place.
There would be a trail of dead junkies outside my house.
Dead, toothless junkies.
Are we almost done because I'm supposed to be in the cage in 15 minutes?
You're supposed to be in the cage when?
What did I tell...?
I should not be dealing with this.
I should have a big, purple drink in my hand,
not a skinny white boy's neck.
Have you seen Neal?
Why are you all by yourself up here?
Because all the other girls are swinging in the cage.
Excuse me. Excuse me!
Can you not see the line of people in front of you?!
Okay, I know you're in the weeds,but you got to hold it together, baby girl.
I'm fine.
What time are the girls going to be in the birdcage?
How about five minutes after I staple your lips together, you perv!
Okay, somebody is taking her break early.
Sir, I am so sorry about that.
Normally, she directs all that hate at herself.
Come on, baby. You next?
Chocolate?
Larry, man, you are a stud.
Come on, up top.
Uh, no thanks.
Not doing that's my favorite part of being gay.
Look at all these tips just from working the guests a little.
People traveling alone love to talk,
and it turns out I'm great at pretending to listen.
Anyway, I want to give you a cut.
Oh, no, you don't have to do that.
No, I insist. You're the one who told... Yeah, okay.
You know, I could, um...
I could help you make even more money. I, uh...
I have access to all the check-in information.
I can give you a heads-up whenever there's a single lady coming in.
Okay, yeah.
Yeah, we'll be the greatest gay/straight partnership
since my dad and his roommate, Jeremy.
Oh, my gosh, you guys, the bar's packed.
There are so many people here to see the birdcage.
Screw the birdcage!
Nicole? What are you doing?
Neal wouldn't let me in his cage,
so I made my own.
I am the ugly bird, and this is my ugly nest,
and... these chocolate-covered espresso beans
are my teeny, tiny eggs.
Oh, birds don't usually eat their own eggs
unless a human touches them or they're suffering from...
Really?
Come on. Let's get you out of there.
Let's go. Come on.
Come on. Who's a big girl?
Oh, thirsty bird.
Am I old and ugly, Larry?
On the inside or the outside?
Yesterday, the birdcage didn't exist.
Now, I can't imagine a world without it.
Are you Neal Danner?
Yeah, that's me, what can I do for you?
Dave Dombrowski, city building inspector.
You can't have that contraption up there without a permit.
Gonna have to shut you down while I check it out.
What? Yep.
Got an anonymous call from someone here in the hotel asking for an inspection.
Wonder who that could have been.
It was a lady's voice. I know, I know.
It was a rhetorical question.
I can't believe she tattled on me.
What is she, in kindergarten?
No, I'd say mid-30s.
Right, I know.
Who does she think she is ???
i got it
I can't believe you called the building inspector on me.
I can't believe you put those girls up there when you said you wouldn't.
That's not the point, the point....
Hi... how are you? Hi.
The point is, we're supposed to be on the same team here.
Okay, teammates don't lie to each other.
They look out for each other, which is what I thought...
Good evening.
How you doing? Have a good night.
Which is what I thought I was doing.
How is bringing a building inspector into my bar looking out for me?
As the man who put the thing up there,
you're also the one who could lose his job if it comes crashing down.
Actually, everything checks out in there.
Really?
Yep, the cage is safe,
and in my professional opinion, kind of awesome.
Well, what do you know about that?
You still should have talked to me about it first.
(softly): She sounds like the lady who called.
Thank you, Dave.
You're even sexier than you sound.
Thank you, Dave.
Any chance we'll see you in that cage?
Hey, building inspector, what is the maximum occupancy
for shoes in your ass? 'Cause I'm about to exceed it.
So, we're done here.
No, we're not.
Oh, right-- Rhonda, I forgive you for calling the building inspector.
You don't get it, do you?
It's not my job to run behind you and clean up your mess
every time you have some crazy idea.
Where's the mess? I don't see a mess.
Oh, okay, then why am I standing here answering phones
when I should be out living it up with my girls?
Well, then go, everything's fine.
Oh, I'm going. Well, why don't you start walking?
Why don't you start walking?
Bye-bye now.
Good night.
Wow, Larry, I like your new shoes.
I got them with my cut of Gus's tips,
not that I care about shoes,but pow!
Why are you getting a cut of his tips?
Are you blackmailing him?
He looks dangerous.
I bet he films himself doing stuff.
No, I, uh... I hook him up with single women checking in here.
He takes them up to their room, turns on the charm,
and then he gives me a piece of the action.
Oh, so in a way, it's kind of like you're his pimp.
What? No, no.
That's ridiculous.
Hey, where you been? I've been calling you.
I just finished with the last one you gave me.
Yeah, I think I'm gonna call it a night.
I'm sorry, uh... I thought for a second that you said you were gonna call it a night.
Larry, I'm exhausted.
Exhausted?
Are you forgetting where I found you?
All by yourself, willing to do anything for a potato chip.
Hey, don't get mad.
Hey, who do I have next?
All right.
Her name is Dina.
She's in town on a convention.
Be in the lobby in 20 minutes.
Aren't you forgetting something?
Feels a little light.
No, Larry, I swear, that's all of it.
It better be.
I hope we don't have to have this conversation again.
It's not my business, but I don't like how treats you.
It's complicated.
You know, I could hook you up with names
right off the reservation line.
And I'd never do you like that.
Dina?
Hey... (whistles softly) you Dina?
What's up, Gus?
What? It's a free corner.
A lot of guests are asking about the birdcage.
Pretty genius.
Yes, I am, but I'm a super geniusbecause I actually proved Rhonda wrong for once.
Nice.
Yeah, I think a lesson we can all take from this is that it's okay not to think
about the consequences of your actions if it turns out there aren't any.
Get out of my cage! What?
Stop! Stop!
Nicole, stop! What are you doing?
Everyone, calm down!
We are not respecting the birdcage.
I said get out! (screams)
Looks like you're having a little problem up there.
(laughing): We're having a ball down here.
Girls, this is Neal,
and that's the expression on his face I was telling you about.
Come on, Nicole.
Will you get out of the cage, please?
Leave me alone.
Okay, I got rid of everybody.
You might as well go, too, I got this.
I got it. I can handle it.
Oh, really?
You gonna clean up that mess?
You're not the only one around here who can fix people.
It's not like you have magic powers.
If I did, you'd have the head of a donkey right now.
Ouch, Rhonda, that hurt.
All right, Nicole, I am entering the cage.
Here I come.
(grunting): Okay...
that's a little more difficult than I thought it would be.
Your ass is in my face.
Okay, you, uh,seem a little upset,
and I'm starting to think it's because I didn't ask you to be in the cage,
but I have a... I have a very good reason for that.
I think of you differently than the rest of these girls.
They're just random hot chicks to me.
I... I respect you.
How dare you.
Are you hearing me?
I... I care about you.
I would never objectify you as a woman.
You're a monster.
Rhonda, why are you letting him do this to me?
He's trying, baby.
He just forgot his audience.
What does that mean?
Honey, do you think that Neal didn't ask you to be in the cage
because he doesn't think you're hot enough?
She doesn't think that.
Of course that's why you didn't ask me to be in the cage.
I'm the oldest girl at the front desk.
I have a cell phone that only makes phone calls.
What you have to understand is underneath all that respect nonsense,
Neal sees you as a hot piece of meat.
Really?
Yeah, yes.
You're the hottest chick who works here.
I've... I've always thought that.
Shut up.
When you girls are at the front desk
and... and he's checking out your behinds,
he stays on yours the longest.
It's true. I do.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
It's from the heart.
Okay.
All right, there we go.
Yeah, okay.
Nicole, am I sitting in throw-up?
Kind of, yeah.
You always got to put newspaper down in a cage.
Oh, hi, Molly.
Here's that newspaper you wanted.
Thank you.
You can put it on my desk.
Wait, Larry, Larry, don't open...
You're with her now?
What if he is?
Then, you and me have a problem.
You three, in my office... now!
Did the two of you really think you would get away with pimping out Gus like that?
Whoa, there's that word again.
We just hooked him up with guests we thought would like him.
Yeah, and then, I buttered them up a little.
Which got him better tips.
I think we can all agree it's a little bit dramatic to call it pimping
if there's no sex involved.
I mean, am I right?
Tell her, Gus... oh, God,
why are you looking at the floor?
And why did you declare $500 in tips yesterday?
Okay, maybe I slept with a couple of them,
but that just kind of happened.
Hey, 500 bucks, though, I mean...
looks like somebody's good at doing it.
Come on, one time.
No, no times.
Okay, this is what's gonna happen.
Obviously, you can't keep that $500,
all right?
Now, if you all shut this thing down,
I'll make sure nobody finds out about it, you got it?
All right, get up.
Go on, stay out of trouble.
Now, that's how you pimp.
Hey. So guess what I just didn't do.
Hey, wait, look. Hey.
Whoops. I just untied my whole shirt.
All right, just because this hotel is filled with pretty girls in hoochie skirts
that's no excuse for you, their boss, to... to...
I forgot my line.
What is it? What do I say?
Oh, I'm going.
I'm sorry.
(laughs) Ooh, Jerry messed up.
??
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